Blundered
'You have lost the love-of-your-life,'
you say, as if I don't know it—
my heartbeat is
out of step;
my future dreams are old browned photos
burned to ash; my hopes that once
smelled of orange blossoms had fermented
and turned vinegar; my hollows that were once
reservoirs for love have become dusty
storerooms of raw longings and rude losses.
What you do not comprehend:
you have lost me already long ago—
a line of a poem or melody
when one falls asleep and then evaporates,
like a shadow frightened of a bedside lamp,
like photos in a fire, like hope left lying
forgotten in hollows and trash heaps;
like a knight that was promised a kiss,
but with lips untouched—you blundered us
already that first time,
when you exchanged my heart,
and bet on the heartbeat
of another.
No, I do not want to marry you.
You are no longer the one for me.
One day for sure
One day I will yet shake you off
like a horse it's trainer
or like blood from hands
or like a responsibility
or an old tradition, a superstition
or whatever other such damned thing
one can strip oneself off of,
one can wash oneself clean of, one can detox of,
one can vomit up, puke out, toss away.
One day I will yet succeed
in shaking myself loose of you,
in wriggling myself free from the bramble bush,
in freeing myself—and my heart—from you.
One day for sure. But not today.
Once Upon a Time I Had Also Had a Mother
I had also had
once upon a time
long ago
when clouds were still animals and ships
a mother
a mom
a mommy
who like a god
long long ago
nursed and cared for and pampered me
who saw in me the potential
that only God and mothers can see
who was the first woman in my life
the template for all that a woman can be
from Eve till now
I had also had a mother once upon a time
and like all mothers she had also
come under your cold knife
your frigid fingers had her by the throat
and God was just looking on
because this is the fate of all mothers
so that their children can discern
between God and man
between Him and clay
once upon a time I also had a God
like a mother
